Jimmy Buttcheeks and The Case of the Double-Wide Strip Club (As Promised to SF, Des, and DC.)

[Jimmy Buttcheeks]

So... I'm helping DC with the breaks on his car today, and somehow the topic of strip clubs comes up. (I think this was after his boy stole my cigarettes) anyway... I started to tell this story of the best/worst strip club i've ever been too. But the story is long, and we wanted to be done with the car, so.... i told him I'd blog it.
So here it is... copied straight from an email that I sent to Wink a year or so back... Enjoy!


Well now Wink,

As the story goes, seeing as how I had to hear about it the next day (I was a teensy bit loaded) was that we rolled into the worst strip club ever built. It is in a small town just east of Gillette Wyoming On "the" 90… Rozet is what it's called I believe. At any rate, the town of Rozet consists of a liquor store, an elementary school and a strip club.
We cruise out to the place around 7:00 pm, which is early in strip club time, and notice that the place is empty with exception to a couple of drunken old men sitting along the wall.
The bouncer takes my $10 dollar cover and lets me in… I notice she's all of 5' tall and sporting a black eye… this place is gonna be sweet!

Now… the music is going and there is a girl on the worst stage I've ever seen doing a dance that wouldn't get you a spot on armature night back home and no one, I mean NO ONE is up front. The song ends, she walks off the stage with out a dollar and the place is silent, not a clap, not a shout, not a cat-call, not even a fart.
Well s***… Nick grew up in some of the finest strip clubs in California and this is just un-f******-acceptable. So… it's a round of double Jack and Cokes for the boys and $100 all in singles please!

We have us a seat at a table close to the stage and watch as the next girl comes out to do her thing… Man, she is busted up something fierce. Skinny as a rail and most likely strung out on meth. I'm not one to judge… it takes a lot to get naked in front of a bunch of guys and to a girl I don't think it matters if you have a smoking hot body or not, but this girl just isn't enjoying any of it. So I grab my drink, my smokes, and my stack of cash and make my way to the stage… the least she can get for her troubles is a couple of my hard earned dollars, lord knows her dollars are more hard earned than mine…

She struts down to entertain her new customer (soon to be favorite customer) and after she's rubbed her ass in my face for a while she turns around and looks me in the eye while she plays with her sweater kittens. Well I'll be damned!!! This girl is actually a looker!!! Pretty green eyes and a nice little smile. The problem… she can't be 2 days older than (name removed) and my heart sinks a little for her. So as I pass the $ to her and she lights my cigarette for me I ask her what her name is and she gives me some stripper name which is cool but then I make the mistake that I ALWAYS do.


I ask her why the hell a beautiful girl like herself is stripping for a living and not in school. The results are mostly the same… the awe struck look from the girl that someone actually wonders about something other than how many fingers she can fit into her squish mitten, the look from all of the guys at the bar as they notice the girl stopped dancing and is sitting Indian style at the end of the stage talking to some guy like they're two girls at 8th grade slumber party. Next thing I know, the song is over and she's laying on her stomach with her head in her hand telling me all about her big sister and how they love each other to death and as soon as she saves enough money "dancing" she's going to go to Colorado for veterinarian school.
Long story short… Nick enjoys the conversation from a pretty girl, pretty girl says thanks for talking to me, gives me a kiss on the cheek, stands up naked (which is kinda awkward for both of us now seeing as how we kinda "know" each other). She's $40 up… Nicks $40 down.
Well now… everyone else is still sitting around doing nothing and I'm thinking that if I'm the only one giving these girls anytime it's going to be an expensive night for sure. I head to the bar and get another double Jack and Coke. I sit with the boys, light a cigarette, and answer their questions. "What did you say to her??? She just stopped dancing and sits down and started talking???"
"Well you see she is quite a charming girl. Her name is (name removed) and when she grows up she's gonna work on horses, race horses if she's lucky."

Now I'm good and stewed… a few more people have shown up and all of the sudden I notice this pretty little thing with a blonde ponytail strutting around on the runway… well s***!

I can't let this golden opportunity slip away so I'm back up front and this time I bring one of my boys with me. She is sweet, legs are soft as a silk sheet and she smells like strawberries to boot! For some reason she has her ass in my face… it must be the "new move" I'd guess, but it's not like she's waving it in my face, nope! This girl is on all fours bouncing her ass right off of my face. She tells me to stand up, unbuttons my shirt and bites me on the nipple.

S***! It kind of hurt… in a good way. I look down to make sure she didn't break the skin and that there isn't any chance of me getting girl cooties and that's when I see her smiling little mug looking up at me and giggling like an idiot… with braces.
Well that killed everything.
She just went from looking almost 20 to almost 14. I flip out $20 button up my shirt and walk away trying not to vomit.
Back to the table, drain 2 more DJ&C's and off to the runway again. This time the girl is huge! Kinda chubby but more huge… like 6' tall and a full bodied girl. We talk and goof off, she does the whole "I think I'll stop dancing and talk to this guy" move.

It's time for her to leave and I reel out the last of my bills only to find that that last one in the stack is a 10 spot. She says "wow… look at that! Is it for me too???" and I reply… "well yeah, but you have to do something extra for it!"
"Really" she says… "Like what??" giving me that all knowing "I'm a real dirty girl look."
"You have to smack me in the face." I respond.
"Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack!"
She looks around, rears back and BAM right on the kisser!
This wasn't a playful slap, it wasn't an aggressive "I've been doing this to my boyfriend in the bedroom for years" slap. It was a full fledged UFC open handed hit in the grill. She hit harder than most boys and spun my head around.

Unfortunately the song was done playing and the smack rang out across the bar. It shut everyone up! The bouncers are coming over to throw my ass out, thinking that I had gotten out of line with one of their girls and thankfully she explains that I paid her $10 dollars to do it. So I don't get thrown out of the bar… no, instead I'm the new mascot.
The coolest f***** to ever step foot in the joint. The girls love me, the guys think I'm crazy. Everyone buys rounds for that one crazy guy that looks like Charlie Sheen and I'm s*** faced. Next thing I know I'm going to Colorado to attended Vet school with (name removed)… it was one crazy night.

We got there at 7:00 and we leave by 10:00.
I can't walk, or see, my neck is getting stiff and I can't form simple sentences such as "where the f*** am I?"
We jump in the car (actually the guys jump into the car; I crawl through a puddle of my own piss and slither into the car.)
After that we head back to Gillette, go to the bar across the street from our motel and close it down at 2:00am. That was the night I met (name removed) (Mingles Bar Maid AKA "Pigtails").
I woke up the next morning with a Bryans Place (name of the strip club) t-shirt and pint glass, a sore neck, one sore nipple, a pocket full of Starburst Fruit Chews (which I learn the origins of while sobering up over coffee and cigarettes Sunday afternoon).

Now I think I understand why everyone hates us guys from California.

[Honey B Hooligan {Madam}]

damn! I've missed out on this story the whole time? curses. That just gave me a right good giggle!

[Dottie Darling]

Hahaha, oh that was too much!

[Jimmy Buttcheeks]

Wink.... I'd love to tell you that she pulled it out of her ass, literally... but alas, she used my Zippo.

[Wink Holliday]

You know, it finally occurs to me to ask: You say that the first gal lit your cigarette for you. Exactly where was she keeping a lighter?

[candyass cabaret]

omg. what a hilarious story!