Gone But Not Forgotten

[Lenore Lovelace]

Three years ago today, I received the most heart-shattering news that my dear friend Jon had passed away. At the time, every emotion imaginable coursed thru my body, and for the next few days I was in a state of shock to the point I couldn't even think straight.

For six years we had been friends, and during that time our bond only grew stronger despite the constant challenges that faced us. He was not the most perfect person, but at the same time he never tried to be anyone or anything other than himself, and perhaps that's what attracted me to him the most. We met by chance one day in NYC; I was having a bad day and he just happen to see me sulking in the gutter. He flashed me a smile and asked me if I wanted a smoke, to which I replied that I wasn't into cigarettes. A tattooed hand reached towards me as I heard him laugh and explain what he was really offering. When I looked up, my eyes met his and I was a bit distracted by the small tattoos on his face.

It was the beginning of what would be one fantastic and at times unbelievable friendship. Most of the people I knew at that time had no clue about him, b/c that's just the way things were. He was a South Jersey boy working in NYC; by that I mean he was a hustler, and a damn good one at that. We'd spend endless hours wandering around the Village down to Canal Street and back again, all the while he's taking things out of people's pockets and showing me how easy it was. We talked for hours over cups of coffee and expensive pastries, and that's when he told me he was a Carny.

Jon was literally born into the canvas world of American Circus; his daddy was a roustie and his momma was a burlesque queen. They met and fell in love in what can only be described as a story-book romance. She died giving birth to him and his father was murdered when he was 13. From then on he learned to survive on his own, and obviously I was not only impressed but entirely intrigued by his lifestyle.

We spent much time discussing things like circus, sideshow, vaudeville, burlesque [you know, when it actually meant something and wasn't just a way for people to make a quick buck or soak up the spotlight]; as well as various body modifications - their historical, cultural and tribal significance; and all things kustom kulture, such as pin-ups, rat rods and drag racing.

Inevitably, we wound up building our own underground Circus, which gained legendary status and now no one even remembers b/c all those people are either dead or have taken a powder. What began as dream was created in reality; we went on to form Nickel Empire with the goal in mind of one day having an official non-profit organization that would continue the preservation and education of traditional American Circus history. It was something that became an important part of my life and of course it hasn't stopped since.

To be honest, I could spend hours upon hours and many weeks detailing all of our adventures together. It wasn't always fun and games tho, as Jon was an addict and a junkie - a small part of his personality that may have put others off, but he was my best f****** friend and I would have rather stuck by him thru better or worse than turn my back on him. Maybe it was the Jersey thing or the common love of all things circus and sideshow; either way there were only a few things that ever kept us separated.

No matter how many times he had to 'go away' or for whatever reason, every time I saw Jon it was like we hadn't spent a single moment apart. He was the most influential person of my young adulthood, and I owe a lot of who I am now to the things he taught me. There's not even enough words for me to properly describe how awesome he really was, but hopefully the point comes across.

The day I had to cross the boarder into Jersey was a solemn one; while hundreds of other people were happy and carefree, celebrating their Memorial Day weekend in standard fashion by migrating to the Shore, I was dressed in black and on my way to the funeral I didn't ever want to come. There were plenty of tears, but in the end we were there to celebrate Jon's life, not mourn our loss.

It took me a long time to get over losing someone that was so important to me, and only now can I even write or think about him without crying. For a while, I kept expecting to see him one last time; to know that he wasn't really gone and it was just one of those things he had to do. There were a lot more things I lost than a best friend; things I don't feel most people will ever understand.

There is only one person in my life now who does tho. He gave me back a part of myself I thought I lost when I buried my friend at sea. He gets me in a way only Jon did, and it's such a relief to have that void filled once again. While I am not trying to make the comparison, there's many things about Dirt that remind me of Jon, and at times it's like he's still here.

Moments come where I still miss him and the crazy things we used to do, and I feel that perhaps I appreciate them more now that I know I won't ever get that time back. However, I know that he wouldn't want me to desire what was, and instead focus on what can be once again. If he taught me anything, it's that you don't ever give up b/c life gets too hard. "No one ever said it was going to be easy, but you either fight your way thru or just lay down and die. If you're going to die, do it now so the rest of us have a chance." Jon always had a way with words. ::smirk::

While others are having their BBQ's and partying with their favorite alcoholic beverages of choice, I feel like taking some time to remember the days in South Jersey when we were the only people who gave a s*** about Circus, before it evolved into just another scene where it's not what you can do but who you know - and apparently willing to get naked - that boosts a career.

Well f*** that noise, son.

My integrity cannot be purchased. I am proud of who I am and of everything I have accomplished, with only Jon, Dirt and myself to thank. Just about everyone else who floated into my life has forgotten about me, but hey, I was done with you many years ago and just played the part for a while. I'm a Carny and that's how we do. You can delude yourself into continually believing that I actually give a s*** about the pathetic scene that you call your life. Do another line, pop another pill and step back into your little fantasy world where you reign as plastic queen of drama and b*******; your ego is so over-inflated that you have convinced yourself that's what reality is and it makes me laugh myself out of bad days. Keep up the entertainment tho, as we wait for the inevitability or your eventual downfall. To paraphrase the almighty and wise Dirt, you cannot spend your life in a fantasy, because some day real life will come knocking on the door and you'll be forced to confront it face to face.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a final quote from the most honorable Carny I ever knew - friend, brother and one damn fine showman; your memory will live as long as I am here, and I will never forget you.

The most important lesson in life is not learned until you are faced with death, and only then do you realize how precious your time is. Wasting your life is an ultimate sin, and one you will have the rest of eternity to think about.

- Reverend Saint Jon Lovelace, 1977-2009