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"We Are The New Vintage"
Viva Las Vegas Mini guide
My friend Liz wrote this a few years ago. I have modified and added to it since Viva will be at the Orleans this year. I had the pleasure of attending the first US Rockabilly Rave at the Orleans in October, so some of my tips will come from that.
I know it's still 4 months away, but you can never start planning too early!
Mission Statement:
For all of those who say that Vegas is lame due to the lack of a good line-up or that it's too much of a fashion show, you are doing it wrong. Vegas is not about bands or being the fanciest (well I'll get to that in a second). Vegas is about excessive drinking, whoring and causing trouble in the most sinful city in the US. Period.
Wardrobe:
Alright. Let me just get this out of the way. I will keep the rules as simple as possible as I do this every year and if you don't know by now, you deserve our mocking.
1. Just because it zips, don't mean it fits: Year after year, we scream this, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears. Just because you wiggled your fat ass into it, doesn't mean it looks good. And once again, if you have massive cellulite issues, PUT THE PLAYSUIT DOWN. I swear to IPU, I'm gonna start egging any f****** girl who doesn't belong in a playsuit who is strutting around the car show. And I'm tired of saying this and it seems retarded that I have to reiterate this but I have nothing against the larger girls, I AM ONE! However, you're not gonna see me in a playsuit or anything else that exposes my flaws to the world.
2. Just because it's vintage, doesn't mean it's cute. Leave the polyester paisley dress at the Goodwill please.
3. Repro: I like repro just because I'm sick of vintage clothes falling apart, but be forewarned that hundreds of other girls bought that stop staring dress and you better be damned sure you look better in it and don't mind wearing the same outfit. For custom made repro, click the Whirlingturban link that comes up on the top of this website.
4. Flames, cherries, etc.. Do I have to? really.. come now.. use your head
5. Shoes: I heart shoes. They are awesome. Vegas destroys your feet, both boys and girls. Make sure you have some sorta comfy shoes you can put on after the blood starts gathering around your toes. If however I see you in flip-flops and you are not on your way down to the pool, I reserve the right to step on your ugly feet.
6. Guys: For f***'s sake, look at all the women dressing up around you, do them a favor and put on something besides a wife beater and jeans.
7. Mr. & Mrs. I am wearing vintage down to my underwear and you are lame because you are not Bite me. Wear whatever the f*** you want. Just do it with a sense of style please. I don't give a rat's ass that you spent 500 dollars on your Hawaiian dress, if I wore something like that I'd either puke on it or it would get ripped by some European guy getting me naked, so enjoy being uncomfortable.
Vegas Ass:
*disclaimer* I do not encourage those who come to Vegas with or without their significant others to Vegas to cheat. People make their own drunken decisions. And remember, what happens in Vegas, gets posted on My Space.
-Finding that special someone:
so there are a few levels of Vegas ass... they vary depending on timing, day of the week, amount of drunkeness, how attractive you yourself are, luck, etc... so general guidelines (all rules subject to change):
Thursday: Use that as your general scouting night. Unless you are a veteran, chances are you might get stuck with someone for the whole weekend and you might find a higher quality Friday or Saturday.
Friday night: This is when the best quality ass will be found. Make yourself available. As we learned the hardway in 05, don't wolf pack. Travelling around with a group of extremely hot girls will get you noticed but not get you laid. Boys are p****** and are intimidated by large groups of women.
Carshow: Good place to scout and get free drinks. Be wary of the guys taking pics of every car tramp they see. There's something better.
Downstairs bars: The chances of you getting some are increased by hanging out at the bars downstairs. Better chance to talk and people are usually going back and forth. And plus, chances are that is where you will find my group. We like this area as it's close to liquor and in between stuff. We are also not shy and are good at getting people laid.
Room parties: Amazing scoring territory. It's much easier to pick a pony out of a room of 20 people then it is a room of hundreds. Don't know the people at the party? Carry a bottle of liquor with you, they'll invite you in, especially if you are a girl and have boobs. Boobs get you many things and can be exchanged for goods and services.
Sunday Night: Anything goes. Pretty easy to get some on Sunday as it's last ditch effort time. You'd be surprised at what you come up with sometimes though. I've had some amazing Sunday nights.
If you're taken: If you significant other is there, make sure you and your roomie have something worked out to avoid the embarrassing incident of them showing up to your room. Strangers, stick with strangers, our world is very very small and chances are you know everyone in some way but I'd try to target people who live on the opposite coast or a distant continent at least.
Stop talking: This is mainly for the dumb boys (although I'm sure it can be applied to a female or two).. Just shhh.. shhh.. tell me I'm pretty, buy me a drink. Really don't need or care enough to hear your philosphy on life. We can talk about that afterwards if you haven't been thrown out of the room yet.
Foreigners: Viva la Germans! and all others who don't speak English well. You are adorable and usually make for good casual encounters.
Other general rules:
-Security: For the most part on Friday and Saturday, security is gonna let you get away with a LOT. There are too many people for them to enforce much. Sunday be on the lookout. By then they are tired of our s*** and enough people have gone home, that they begin to enforce the rules. Still leniant but you gotta be careful and you're having sex in the bathroom, have someone guard the door unless you want to be escorted to your room by five security guards (that didn't happen to me, honest, I wish I could claim that honor. Security chapter I salute you and will do my best to live up to your name this year)
-Booze: I don't know if the Orleans will have the Boot. If they do, I suggest you buy one immediately since they have sold out by Saturday. Then buy your liquor in the downstairs liquor store located near TGIF or in a liquor store around Vegas. Much cheaper. Also, remember they give you free drinks when you're gambling. And worse comes to worse, look for Kelly. He'll be standing by some bar giving out shots to people who proclaim their love for him so remember the the words "I love Kel" Unfortunately, Kelly was not at Viva in 2008, so a lot of people had to buy their own shots.
-Double Down: Try and get out there at least once. It's my favorite bar in Vegas. They have tried to duplicate it here but it's not the same. Make sure you ride the pony and get a shot of Ass Juice.. not at the same time though..
Sunscreen: it's Vegas. You are pasty from living in the land of Winter. Use your judgement and don't forget your cleavage.
-Food: There is a little more variety at the Orleans than at the Gold Coast. Terrible Mikes is there (they closed the one at the Gold Coast a few years ago) and a TGIF. Also, the coffee shop food is a bit better at Orleans. Eat at odd hours so you don't have a long wait...I usually have breakfast at 2 pm and dinner at about midnight. Room service is faster at Orleans than the Gold Coast. Splurge on the buffet once or twice but bring a big purse and take stuff up to your room for later. Bloody Mary's count as meals and remember: food doesn't get you drunk (usually)
I am sure there is quite a bit I forgot, feel free to add to your own thoughts and bits of advice. I'll add on when I can..
I know it's still 4 months away, but you can never start planning too early!
Mission Statement:
For all of those who say that Vegas is lame due to the lack of a good line-up or that it's too much of a fashion show, you are doing it wrong. Vegas is not about bands or being the fanciest (well I'll get to that in a second). Vegas is about excessive drinking, whoring and causing trouble in the most sinful city in the US. Period.
Wardrobe:
Alright. Let me just get this out of the way. I will keep the rules as simple as possible as I do this every year and if you don't know by now, you deserve our mocking.
1. Just because it zips, don't mean it fits: Year after year, we scream this, yet it seems to fall on deaf ears. Just because you wiggled your fat ass into it, doesn't mean it looks good. And once again, if you have massive cellulite issues, PUT THE PLAYSUIT DOWN. I swear to IPU, I'm gonna start egging any f****** girl who doesn't belong in a playsuit who is strutting around the car show. And I'm tired of saying this and it seems retarded that I have to reiterate this but I have nothing against the larger girls, I AM ONE! However, you're not gonna see me in a playsuit or anything else that exposes my flaws to the world.
2. Just because it's vintage, doesn't mean it's cute. Leave the polyester paisley dress at the Goodwill please.
3. Repro: I like repro just because I'm sick of vintage clothes falling apart, but be forewarned that hundreds of other girls bought that stop staring dress and you better be damned sure you look better in it and don't mind wearing the same outfit. For custom made repro, click the Whirlingturban link that comes up on the top of this website.
4. Flames, cherries, etc.. Do I have to? really.. come now.. use your head
5. Shoes: I heart shoes. They are awesome. Vegas destroys your feet, both boys and girls. Make sure you have some sorta comfy shoes you can put on after the blood starts gathering around your toes. If however I see you in flip-flops and you are not on your way down to the pool, I reserve the right to step on your ugly feet.
6. Guys: For f***'s sake, look at all the women dressing up around you, do them a favor and put on something besides a wife beater and jeans.
7. Mr. & Mrs. I am wearing vintage down to my underwear and you are lame because you are not Bite me. Wear whatever the f*** you want. Just do it with a sense of style please. I don't give a rat's ass that you spent 500 dollars on your Hawaiian dress, if I wore something like that I'd either puke on it or it would get ripped by some European guy getting me naked, so enjoy being uncomfortable.
Vegas Ass:
*disclaimer* I do not encourage those who come to Vegas with or without their significant others to Vegas to cheat. People make their own drunken decisions. And remember, what happens in Vegas, gets posted on My Space.
-Finding that special someone:
so there are a few levels of Vegas ass... they vary depending on timing, day of the week, amount of drunkeness, how attractive you yourself are, luck, etc... so general guidelines (all rules subject to change):
Thursday: Use that as your general scouting night. Unless you are a veteran, chances are you might get stuck with someone for the whole weekend and you might find a higher quality Friday or Saturday.
Friday night: This is when the best quality ass will be found. Make yourself available. As we learned the hardway in 05, don't wolf pack. Travelling around with a group of extremely hot girls will get you noticed but not get you laid. Boys are p****** and are intimidated by large groups of women.
Carshow: Good place to scout and get free drinks. Be wary of the guys taking pics of every car tramp they see. There's something better.
Downstairs bars: The chances of you getting some are increased by hanging out at the bars downstairs. Better chance to talk and people are usually going back and forth. And plus, chances are that is where you will find my group. We like this area as it's close to liquor and in between stuff. We are also not shy and are good at getting people laid.
Room parties: Amazing scoring territory. It's much easier to pick a pony out of a room of 20 people then it is a room of hundreds. Don't know the people at the party? Carry a bottle of liquor with you, they'll invite you in, especially if you are a girl and have boobs. Boobs get you many things and can be exchanged for goods and services.
Sunday Night: Anything goes. Pretty easy to get some on Sunday as it's last ditch effort time. You'd be surprised at what you come up with sometimes though. I've had some amazing Sunday nights.
If you're taken: If you significant other is there, make sure you and your roomie have something worked out to avoid the embarrassing incident of them showing up to your room. Strangers, stick with strangers, our world is very very small and chances are you know everyone in some way but I'd try to target people who live on the opposite coast or a distant continent at least.
Stop talking: This is mainly for the dumb boys (although I'm sure it can be applied to a female or two).. Just shhh.. shhh.. tell me I'm pretty, buy me a drink. Really don't need or care enough to hear your philosphy on life. We can talk about that afterwards if you haven't been thrown out of the room yet.
Foreigners: Viva la Germans! and all others who don't speak English well. You are adorable and usually make for good casual encounters.
Other general rules:
-Security: For the most part on Friday and Saturday, security is gonna let you get away with a LOT. There are too many people for them to enforce much. Sunday be on the lookout. By then they are tired of our s*** and enough people have gone home, that they begin to enforce the rules. Still leniant but you gotta be careful and you're having sex in the bathroom, have someone guard the door unless you want to be escorted to your room by five security guards (that didn't happen to me, honest, I wish I could claim that honor. Security chapter I salute you and will do my best to live up to your name this year)
-Booze: I don't know if the Orleans will have the Boot. If they do, I suggest you buy one immediately since they have sold out by Saturday. Then buy your liquor in the downstairs liquor store located near TGIF or in a liquor store around Vegas. Much cheaper. Also, remember they give you free drinks when you're gambling. And worse comes to worse, look for Kelly. He'll be standing by some bar giving out shots to people who proclaim their love for him so remember the the words "I love Kel" Unfortunately, Kelly was not at Viva in 2008, so a lot of people had to buy their own shots.
-Double Down: Try and get out there at least once. It's my favorite bar in Vegas. They have tried to duplicate it here but it's not the same. Make sure you ride the pony and get a shot of Ass Juice.. not at the same time though..
Sunscreen: it's Vegas. You are pasty from living in the land of Winter. Use your judgement and don't forget your cleavage.
-Food: There is a little more variety at the Orleans than at the Gold Coast. Terrible Mikes is there (they closed the one at the Gold Coast a few years ago) and a TGIF. Also, the coffee shop food is a bit better at Orleans. Eat at odd hours so you don't have a long wait...I usually have breakfast at 2 pm and dinner at about midnight. Room service is faster at Orleans than the Gold Coast. Splurge on the buffet once or twice but bring a big purse and take stuff up to your room for later. Bloody Mary's count as meals and remember: food doesn't get you drunk (usually)
I am sure there is quite a bit I forgot, feel free to add to your own thoughts and bits of advice. I'll add on when I can..
Views: 43
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kat Von Chesticles on
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You're already hot.. I'd totally do you.
Jenny Carlotta said:This is GREAT!!
SO f'ing bummed I cant go this year!!!
Next year is my goal...with my new, hot smokin body!!!
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Permalink Reply by Jenny Carlotta on
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Thanks beautiful!!!
That was a GREAT way to start my Friday!!!
xoxox
Kat Von Chesticles said:You're already hot.. I'd totally do you.
Jenny Carlotta said:This is GREAT!!
SO f'ing bummed I cant go this year!!!
Next year is my goal...with my new, hot smokin body!!!
-
Permalink Reply by Honey B Hooligan {Madam} on
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ha! Kim! that was fan-f*****-tastic! Im'a print it out and make my hubby carry it around. :D
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p.s., I'd do you too Jen
Jenny Carlotta said:Thanks beautiful!!!
That was a GREAT way to start my Friday!!!
xoxox
Kat Von Chesticles said:You're already hot.. I'd totally do you.
Jenny Carlotta said:This is GREAT!!
SO f'ing bummed I cant go this year!!!
Next year is my goal...with my new, hot smokin body!!!
-
VendorPermalink Reply by Kim Bombshell on -
Some more advice:
You can end up in a strange time warp while you are there. Be sure to read the brochure and circle bands and events you want to attend, and then carry a watch or some sort of time piece! Vegas is the land of no clocks so having your own time piece is important! Often I will leave the ballroom to smoke or get something from my room, will stop and start chatting with people or look at the vendors, and BAM! I've missed a band I wanted to see.
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VendorPermalink Reply by Kim Bombshell on -
Time to bump this up again!
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Permalink Reply by Miss Jess {★} on
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This really is hilarious.
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Permalink Reply by Sweet 'N' Dandy on
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I must have read this on myspace before. Everytime I read it its hilarious. On year I forgot to put sunscreen on my cleavage and had this nasty triangle shaped burn pointing to my boobs... yeah it was really sexy when I was wearing a strapless on sunday!
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VendorPermalink Reply by Kim Bombshell on -
haha...I'm sure that happened to Liz, too, which is why she put that in there. I can't wait to get my hair done by you again!
Sweet 'N' Dandy said:I must have read this on myspace before. Everytime I read it its hilarious. On year I forgot to put sunscreen on my cleavage and had this nasty triangle shaped burn pointing to my boobs... yeah it was really sexy when I was wearing a strapless on sunday!
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ModelPermalink Reply by Sara Sundae on -
yes, bloody marys DO count a meals! A full serving of veggies AND vodka,- you can't loose! (this was hilarious, thanks!)
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Permalink Reply by Kristy C on
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HAHA! I remember reading this a few years back. So funny. Me and my husband sat and just laughed and laughed.
and yes SUNDAY NIGHTS RULE!! It's become our favorite night at VLV. Alot of people leave on Sunday morning, and whoever's left that sticks through Monday morning is usually a pretty interesting crowd and pretty interesting times.
Last year Sunday night was DEAD though....I noticed alot more people left that morning than previous years. We had our room till Monday though, so we partied hard and it ended up being our worst drinking night out of the whole weekend!
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VendorPermalink Reply by Kim Bombshell on -
Sunday was GREAT last year, for how wasted my friends got! There was some cattiness between my friend and someone else over a gorgeous drunk german guy, and overall mayhem...I tried to stick it out, but had to go to sleep at about 430 am, against protests from my friends, even though I think I was so tired I had lost the ability to communicate.
Kristy C said:HAHA! I remember reading this a few years back. So funny. Me and my husband sat and just laughed and laughed.
and yes SUNDAY NIGHTS RULE!! It's become our favorite night at VLV. Alot of people leave on Sunday morning, and whoever's left that sticks through Monday morning is usually a pretty interesting crowd and pretty interesting times.
Last year Sunday night was DEAD though....I noticed alot more people left that morning than previous years. We had our room till Monday though, so we partied hard and it ended up being our worst drinking night out of the whole weekend!
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