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Actual quotes from resumes and cover letters
These quotes are taken from resumes and cover letters that appeared in an earlier issue of Fortune Magazine:
1) "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2) "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3) "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4) "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5) "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6) "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7) "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8) "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9) "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10) "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
11) "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12) "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13) "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14) "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15) "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16) "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17) "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18) "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
19) "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
20) "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21) "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22) "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23) "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24) "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25) "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26) "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
.... and what better accompaniment for quotes from real resumes than
quotes from actual performance evaluations:
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4) "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
1) "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2) "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
3) "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4) "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5) "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6) "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7) "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8) "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9) "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10) "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
11) "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12) "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13) "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14) "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15) "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16) "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17) "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18) "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
19) "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
20) "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21) "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22) "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23) "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24) "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25) "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26) "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
.... and what better accompaniment for quotes from real resumes than
quotes from actual performance evaluations:
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4) "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10) "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Views: 34
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Plum Pea Dahl {★} on
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Nice! This comes at a perfect time, since I just had my annual review on Thursday. Thanks for sharing!
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ModelPermalink Reply by Didi De La Rosa on -
seriously
LOL thanks for posting!
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Permalink Reply by Kim Coquette on
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Perfect way to start the morning
Where do you always find all this funny stuff?
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Permalink Reply by Goldie @ 660Photos.com on
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I work in a Major company in the recuriting department, and I have seen a lot of these come through on resumes...
What i dont get is when you are told you have to take a drug test and for some reason you still accept the position, and then fail the drug test..... :(
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Permalink Reply by Tattooed Dolls Custom Jewelry{★} on
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My Mom is always sending me funny stuff she gets from coworkers.
Kim Coquette said:Perfect way to start the morning Where do you always find all this funny stuff?
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Yes, that and lying about your past criminal record! Like that's never going to be checked or come up!
Goldie @ 660Photos.com said:I work in a Major company in the recuriting department, and I have seen a lot of these come through on resumes...
What i dont get is when you are told you have to take a drug test and for some reason you still accept the position, and then fail the drug test.....
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Yes, and we are a government entity... its like they think we are not going to find out.... ps the govt is on our side... haha
Tattooed Doll's Custom Jewelry said:Yes, that and lying about your past criminal record! Like that's never going to be checked or come up!
Goldie @ 660Photos.com said:I work in a Major company in the recuriting department, and I have seen a lot of these come through on resumes...
What i dont get is when you are told you have to take a drug test and for some reason you still accept the position, and then fail the drug test.....
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ModelPermalink Reply by Roxy Tart {PL Team / Comm. Mgr} on -
I used to work in HR, and I've seen some good ones, but there are a few on this list that top everything I've read! Thanks for the laugh!!
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Permalink Reply by That Cat in the Hat {★}Manfriend on
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You mean I shouldn't mention my multiple failed business ventures?
Looks like I gotta update my resume, lol!
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