Disapproving Parents

[Ruby-Rose Rex {★}]

Okay - so this is a bizarre sort of a topic, coming from a grown woman, but here we go!....

I grew up in a very strict household with what I like to call "selectively conservative" parents. Pretty much anything I ever did that wasn't in line with their ideology, I got teary eyed silence, disapproving lectures or they didn't speak to me for months. For example - they cut me off financially and barely spoke to me for almost 4 months when I decided to postpone my degree to pursue hairstyling.(!!!)

Clearly, I have done as I pleased with my life despite all this, but I have elected to keep pretty much everything they disapprove of to myself to avoid useless confrontation. It is largely annoying to have to edit your reality in someone's presence when in actuality you have nothing worth hiding.

I had been keeping the pinup stuff to myself to avoid the lecture on over-sexualization and objectification of women, but I feel that as my presence on the internet and in print expands, this is likely gonna come up.

So the question is, for those that are modeling and have hostile family members - how do you manage the situation? Tips?

[Vega {★}]

This is an excellent question, and one I'm interested in hearing people's answers to. My family doesn't freak out, but clearly disapproves of my tattoos, career choices, etc. They're very passive aggressive about it. A few are on Facebook and I have to edit what I post and who can see it and think about it every single time... I posted a folder of my modeling photos available to everyone which includes the tamer pinup stuff, and a whole other folder with the rest of my photos that are hidden from their view. But I post my photos on here, DeviantArt, etc.... luckily most of my family members don't do a lot of internet surfing, and hopefully I will never encounter a problem, but I have no idea what I'll do if I encounter this... I have an idea of how to defend myself verbally, but I know it won't change their minds....

[Ellie Retrophilia]

Yikes, I know EXACTLY how that is! I tend to just get the cold silence. When I got out of the Navy there was no contact with my parents (or siblings because they were minors at the time) for FOUR years! Until I had a baby. The day of my son's birth was the first time I'd spoken to my parents by phone in 4 years.

Now the way I manage the situation? I've gotten so I don't really care what they think about it. I'm an adult they cannot control what I do and they've gotten used to my tattoos, my career path etc. I've given up on winning my parents' approval (mother's especially) and just basically trucked on. My siblings now that they are adults do not feel it is fair to me the way my parents have treated me in the past and the way I get treated now still. But such is life. I don't talk about it with my parents...what I do and that kind of thing beyond mentioning that I attend a lot of car shows and tattoo conventions, and of course my paintings. Beyond that I feel it's none of their concern...if they ask me about I'll be truthful but again it's not their place to approve or disapprove any longer as I'm well over 18 years of age. As long as I'm bringing my son up right and setting a fairly positive example for my child it's none of their business.

[Roxy Tart {PL Team / Comm. Mgr}]

I say do what makes you happy. I understand they are your family, and lord knows mine hasn't agreed with tons of the stuff I've done in my life, but I refuse to change who I am, or edit myself for anyone. Family or not, if people don't accept you for who you are, they are not worth your time. If you are living your life as you want to, are not hurting anyone, and are happy, screw anyone who wants to change that. Life is too short to live for others, you need to follow your heart and do what you want, no matter what anyone else says. I have never hid anything from my family, I just tell them if they don't like, that's ok, it's my life, not theirs.

[Vega {★}]

I suppose it's a matter of defining "being happy." For me, my family isn't as drastic about their disapproval as some mentioned here, and family is part of what makes me happy! I have a very small but very tight-knit family, and I didn't have any friends or even any children my age in the family while I was growing up, so I have strong bond with them. So for me, I am trying to reconcile the two things....being with my family and being happy, and getting tattoos/modeling and being happy there too.

Ruby-rose: it's true that people who cannot accept who you are should probably not be in your life... their constant criticism and negative attitude towards you will likely wear you down and ultimately make you feel crappy about yourself. But if being close to your family is important to you and ultimately makes you happy, but so does the modeling, and you can't choose one over the other, it becomes more of an issue of damage control than anything else. Maybe you should try telling them this, if the issue arises... tell them you love them and want to have them in your life, but you have to be able to be yourself and o the things that make you happy. You could tell them it's not a matter of "if I loved you enough I wouldn't do XYZ" but instead a matter of "if YOU loved me enough, you would accept my XYZ!" and you could even trying telling them that their acts of disapproval are extremely damaging, not only to your relationship, but to your personal well-being as well. I can't speak for you and your family, but I feel like most parents might re-think their approach when told they are damaging their relationship with their child beyond repair with their methods of "teaching them a lesson" (which aren't teaching the child anything). Food for thought I guess....

[Roxie Roulette {★}]

Luckily, my parents fully approve of my modelling and, if anything, I am more disapproving of them! My mum likes to show my photos to people that I personally wouldn't have shown - such as my old school teachers!
There are, of course, the things I don't tell my parents but mostly I don't think they mind what I get up to just as long as I stay safe and don't get into any bad situations.

[Sara Sundae]

I sigh and roll my eyes and try to keep as much of it to myself as possible.
The modeling dissaproval comes from my not getting paid. They dont understand the industry and how hard it is to get a paying job, or that after all these years without making any money- I still do it because its fun.
And I definatly don't share some of my photos with them!
They don't like my tattoos either, but I gave up being miserable trying to please them when I was about 16 and realized nothing will ever be enough, there will always be some area of my life that is "lacking" to them. I don't break the law, hurt animals or children, or do porn- so I am not going to let them make me feel bad about it!

[Ruby-Rose Rex {★}]

I agreee Ellie, I don't actually care, but I am soooooo not in the mood to hear their opinions. Keeping things to myself for the sake of avoiding the argument just feels like hiding though. I don't like to feel like I'm hiding things because it implies that I am ashamed, which I am clearly not.

I like the statement about it not being their place to approve or disapprove, I may use that if it comes down to it.

Ellie Retrophilia said:

Yikes, I know EXACTLY how that is! I tend to just get the cold silence. When I got out of the Navy there was no contact with my parents (or siblings because they were minors at the time) for FOUR years! Until I had a baby. The day of my son's birth was the first time I'd spoken to my parents by phone in 4 years.

Now the way I manage the situation? I've gotten so I don't really care what they think about it. I'm an adult they cannot control what I do and they've gotten used to my tattoos, my career path etc. I've given up on winning my parents' approval (mother's especially) and just basically trucked on. My siblings now that they are adults do not feel it is fair to me the way my parents have treated me in the past and the way I get treated now still. But such is life. I don't talk about it with my parents...what I do and that kind of thing beyond mentioning that I attend a lot of car shows and tattoo conventions, and of course my paintings. Beyond that I feel it's none of their concern...if they ask me about I'll be truthful but again it's not their place to approve or disapprove any longer as I'm well over 18 years of age. As long as I'm bringing my son up right and setting a fairly positive example for my child it's none of their business.

[Ruby-Rose Rex {★}]

agreed - that's why I do it anyway

Roxy Tart {M} said:

I say do what makes you happy. I understand they are your family, and lord knows mine hasn't agreed with tons of the stuff I've done in my life, but I refuse to change who I am, or edit myself for anyone. Family or not, if people don't accept you for who you are, they are not worth your time. If you are living your life as you want to, are not hurting anyone, and are happy, screw anyone who wants to change that. Life is too short to live for others, you need to follow your heart and do what you want, no matter what anyone else says. I have never hid anything from my family, I just tell them if they don't like, that's ok, it's my life, not theirs.

[Ruby-Rose Rex {★}]

Raquelle,

I moved 7 hours away from my parents when they kicked me out of the house for gogo-dancing (not stripping - dancing), and spent years barely having contact. I think they learned about damaging the relationship at that point (they are slow learners). That being said, I bet that they've forgotten that lesson by now since it's been a few years that we've gotten along for the most part. My husband thinks they can handle it, but I think he is entirely too optimistic.

Never Again (Raquelle Vega) said:

I suppose it's a matter of defining "being happy." For me, my family isn't as drastic about their disapproval as some mentioned here, and family is part of what makes me happy! I have a very small but very tight-knit family, and I didn't have any friends or even any children my age in the family while I was growing up, so I have strong bond with them. So for me, I am trying to reconcile the two things....being with my family and being happy, and getting tattoos/modeling and being happy there too.

Ruby-rose: it's true that people who cannot accept who you are should probably not be in your life... their constant criticism and negative attitude towards you will likely wear you down and ultimately make you feel crappy about yourself. But if being close to your family is important to you and ultimately makes you happy, but so does the modeling, and you can't choose one over the other, it becomes more of an issue of damage control than anything else. Maybe you should try telling them this, if the issue arises... tell them you love them and want to have them in your life, but you have to be able to be yourself and o the things that make you happy. You could tell them it's not a matter of "if I loved you enough I wouldn't do XYZ" but instead a matter of "if YOU loved me enough, you would accept my XYZ!" and you could even trying telling them that their acts of disapproval are extremely damaging, not only to your relationship, but to your personal well-being as well. I can't speak for you and your family, but I feel like most parents might re-think their approach when told they are damaging their relationship with their child beyond repair with their methods of "teaching them a lesson" (which aren't teaching the child anything). Food for thought I guess....

[Vega {★}]

I'm very sorry to hear that they make things so hard for you... it really is a shame that people can't be more accepting of diverse interests. I can't really give the best advice on managing these types of situations since my family members are not exactly 'hostile' the way yours seem to be. I guess all I can say, if you don't want to have to make a choice between your family and your modeling, is to tread carefully, use discretion, and hope for the best. If it's impeding your abilities or success, maybe it's time to make that choice... or if the time comes that your family finds out, the choice may become hard to ignore.

Ruby-Rose Rex {PLA} said:

Raquelle,

I moved 7 hours away from my parents when they kicked me out of the house for gogo-dancing (not stripping - dancing), and spent years barely having contact. I think they learned about damaging the relationship at that point (they are slow learners). That being said, I bet that they've forgotten that lesson by now since it's been a few years that we've gotten along for the most part. My husband thinks they can handle it, but I think he is entirely too optimistic.

Never Again (Raquelle Vega) said:

I suppose it's a matter of defining "being happy." For me, my family isn't as drastic about their disapproval as some mentioned here, and family is part of what makes me happy! I have a very small but very tight-knit family, and I didn't have any friends or even any children my age in the family while I was growing up, so I have strong bond with them. So for me, I am trying to reconcile the two things....being with my family and being happy, and getting tattoos/modeling and being happy there too.

Ruby-rose: it's true that people who cannot accept who you are should probably not be in your life... their constant criticism and negative attitude towards you will likely wear you down and ultimately make you feel crappy about yourself. But if being close to your family is important to you and ultimately makes you happy, but so does the modeling, and you can't choose one over the other, it becomes more of an issue of damage control than anything else. Maybe you should try telling them this, if the issue arises... tell them you love them and want to have them in your life, but you have to be able to be yourself and o the things that make you happy. You could tell them it's not a matter of "if I loved you enough I wouldn't do XYZ" but instead a matter of "if YOU loved me enough, you would accept my XYZ!" and you could even trying telling them that their acts of disapproval are extremely damaging, not only to your relationship, but to your personal well-being as well. I can't speak for you and your family, but I feel like most parents might re-think their approach when told they are damaging their relationship with their child beyond repair with their methods of "teaching them a lesson" (which aren't teaching the child anything). Food for thought I guess....

[Sindy Scarlet]

Oh I am sooooo there with you, girl!! This was a HUGE source of stress for me when I had my first shoot a few weeks ago. My family is incredibly close, and I spoke with my mother about how excited I was. Temporarily forgetting the drama the family endured when I wanted to get a tattoo and she threatened to disown me, I was surprised when she gave me one of her more calculated guilt trips. (My family is half Catholic and half Jewish - try to imagine the power of punch behind a Catholic Jewish Mother's guilt attack!!)

Personally I've decided to keep her in the loop with the fact that this is something that I'm passionate about and that I will continue to do for myself. But for the sake of her sanity and ulcers and the sake of our relationship, there's a lot that I'm planning to keep from her. I'm not telling her about every shoot I do, I'm not showing her images unless she specifically asks to see them, she doesn't know my stage name, and I've compromised with her as far as which images I'm going to allow on public domain. The last is mostly to keep the photos from popping up unexpectedly within the realm of my other career, but she can think it's for her if she wants :)

Even though my situation seems a lot more "tame" in comparison to yours, I can certainly see where your stress is coming from. I wish you the best of luck!!!