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Types of Kisses
Types Of Kisses
This is a comprehensive list listing the types of kisses around. Most of the material found below was found from Internet and newsgroup archives. If you find any more, post them here!
A Light Hearted Look At Bad Kisses
The Roto Rooter: Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster: They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way . . .lean forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish: They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper: As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver: They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard: Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time: They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid: They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball: They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!
Nick-o-Teen: Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray. When you're done, you feel like taking a shower.
Dr Rude's Definition Of Kisses
Aristotelian kiss:
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss:
a dialectical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antikiss, forming a synthekiss, whatever that means.
Wittgensteinian kiss:
The important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefore.
Godelian kiss:
a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Socratic kiss:
actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss:
a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss:
a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss:
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss:
a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss:
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. Pythagorean kiss:
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss:
A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss:
a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss:
"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."
Epimenidian kiss:
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss:
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.
Harpoic kiss:
shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss:
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.
Procrustean kiss:
well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.
This is a comprehensive list listing the types of kisses around. Most of the material found below was found from Internet and newsgroup archives. If you find any more, post them here!
A Light Hearted Look At Bad Kisses
The Roto Rooter: Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster: They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way . . .lean forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish: They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper: As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver: They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard: Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time: They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid: They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball: They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!
Nick-o-Teen: Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray. When you're done, you feel like taking a shower.
Dr Rude's Definition Of Kisses
Aristotelian kiss:
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss:
a dialectical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antikiss, forming a synthekiss, whatever that means.
Wittgensteinian kiss:
The important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefore.
Godelian kiss:
a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Socratic kiss:
actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss:
a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss:
a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss:
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss:
a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss:
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. Pythagorean kiss:
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss:
A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss:
a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss:
"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."
Epimenidian kiss:
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss:
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.
Harpoic kiss:
shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss:
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.
Procrustean kiss:
well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.
Views: 6
Replies to This Discussion
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ModelPermalink Reply by Lacy Lynn Knox on -
i like the harpoic kiss the best!! :)
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Permalink Reply by That Cat in the Hat {★}Manfriend on
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It's all about the Nietzcheian kiss, lol.
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