Whoa.... What just happened?

[Syd Valentine]

Just thinking about what changed my life this year and how it completely opened up a world of opportunity and self discovery for me. Thinking about how certain circumstances came about and...BLAM!!!! It was as if someone said "Here you go!! Here's what you've been waiting for FOREVER. Just a little push in the right direction. Here's some assurance and some motivation and oh, here's a little inspiration for you too! Have a little excitement and a boost of self-esteem while you're at it and a little dab of hope. That's right! There you go.... now, take flight and make something of yourself, kid!"

AMAZING. Really.

Yet, somehow, in all this FANTASTIC and monumentally INSANE....WHATEVER IT IS....... I am left feeling considerably EMPTY inside.... and miserable. Huh. Let me check..... Yup. Still entirely confused out of my F****** mind. Not complaining, really, just..... confused and wondering WTF just happened and if I missed the REAL point of it all. Was there some divine intervention that wasn't really meant for me but for someone else's benefit and I was just some prop? Or was it meant for me in a different way then I thought it was? Or maybe things happened that were meant to happen but now I have to wait a few YEARS to discover it. It leaves me wondering if I am even on the right track or still just making excuses for what I want and feel. Am I really fighting or striving for things that I am supposed to be fighting and striving for and are they going to be worth all the s*** I am going through now??

Silly, isn't it?

And...

I ALWAYS am wondering if there's someone that feels or is experiencing the same 'things' as me or if I'm the only one... because it's not as if I can really just walk up and ask or explain EXACTLY what I mean to anyone because.... well, I just can't and that is probably the most irritating and frustrating thing about it.

So, how weird is it to feel excited and hopeful and intrigued and inspired and ecstatic and depressed and scared and lonely and in despair and pissed the f*** off ALL at the same time?! Doesn't make much sense really. Like a big batch of oxy-morons all melding into one big cluster f***.

hahaha
whatever
I'm going to the gym