Scattered Chapter 2

[Trevor Race]

I was a "cutter" for about a month when I was 14. and Ill tell you something. it f****** WORKS. you see the blood leaving your body and you feel the pain along with it...and somehow your brain (or at least mine) confuses that pain with whats really bothering you and it all goes away. Not forever though. everything in this life is temporary. Everything. I only did it for a month because I quickly realized that I was causing permanent damage, in order to achieve a very temporary cure, to a deep seeded pain that I will never be rid of. and to continue on this search for a physical release could...no...WOULD only result in my slow, self inflicted, imminent death.

I only tell you that last story because not that long ago I realized something about myself. No matter what I do, or learn, or change...I will always hurt myself in one way or another in order to ignore the real pain inside. and to this day i don't know what that real pain is or what it stems from, and I am sure I'll leave this body behind, to rot with the rest of the world, long before I figure it out.

I repeat this cycle over and over as I get older.
Im sure there are many other examples, long before the short lived cutting chapter of my freshman year that, for one reason or another, I can't fish out of my clouded hippocampus.
Though, I will tell you of one major example that has caused even more major, permanent issues with myself and the way I interprete my life and surroundings.

Substance abuse.

Wow. When I look at those words on the screen in front of me I am overwhelmed with feelings of need, desperation, guilt, hate, obsession, deceit, false hopes, lost friends, and dreams that were at one point in time, such an important part of who I once strived to be. all that from those two simple words.
It wasnt long before I learned where this "road of substance abuse" (as my Health and Wellness teacher so elegantly put it) really leads to. It leads to one single word. A word that, I'm no longer ashamed to admit, defines who I am.
"Addiction"

I remember the very first time I smoked Meth. It was the summer of 96'. I had actualy survived my freshman year at KHS and it was time to take a running leap off the bridge of innocence, and plunge myself, head first into the river of life, causing a splash big enough for all the world to see.
Ok, in reality it was the Del Rey bridge and the Kings River. I'm pretty sure it was the first week of summer vacation.
There I was, standing on this bridge,laced with dyslexic tagger art, on a country road, miles from town. It was me and a few others that didnt cut it with the "cool kids".

Manny Hollis: a fast talking, highly oppinionated, skater punk, that seemed to get on everyones nerves.(even the few of us that liked him)

Andy Lawson: who in my younger years was a pretty close friend. Then they found a tumor in his brain. After he recovered from the surgery he underwent to have it removed...well...to be honest with you, if I didnt know better I'd say they actualy switched his brain with that of the worlds biggest prick-a******-mother f*****.
(sorry Andy but its the truth. You're a f***** a****** but we all still love you haha)
Then there was Wade...and unlike most of the people I will write about...that is his real name.

We all stood atop that bridge, smoking cigarettes, feeling about as grown up as we could I guess.
Of course it was Manny's genious idea. "Dude! Let's f*****' jump off this f*****' bridge"
I still remember how he damn near jumped up and down when he talked. What a f*****' spaz.
I just stood there, doing my best to scan the other two, in hopes of seeing them roll their eyes or something. Anything that ment they didnt like the idea would've been fine with me.
"You can't jump off right here" Andy said, in his usual slow, drawn out voice. I always thought he sounded exactly how John Wayne would sound on high doses of ether and lithium.
"You gotta get a running start and jump off right there" as he pointed to a bit of wannabe gangster, tagger-s***, spray paint "art" that said "TVR".
"If you jump off anywhere but there, you'll hit the riverbed cause its not deep enough"
Wade didnt need anymore convincing. All I saw was a blur. We all ran to the edge to see him swimming to the beach under the bridge. "well s***" I thought. "that doesnt look so hard"
Andy went next. I figgured if Andy could make it look easy...hell, I could be Corky from Life Goes on and still get to the beach faster than he did.
I didnt like the idea of the running start.
I stepped onto the railing and looked down at the "mighty" Kings River.
"Hey Manny, I dont remember the water moving this fast last year."
"Dude just f***** jump already its f***** sweet"
F*** it, I jumped. next thing I remember is the thud of my feet hitting the desserted refridgerator the other two had cleared with their running start. Should've shattered my legs but somehow I got away from it with nothing but a few skipped heart beats.
"F***** SWIM DUDE!"
I couldnt make out what Manny was screaming from the bridge above because I was already being swept away by the freezing cold, VERY fast moving water.
And in my little "I can do it too" moment I failed to remember that I can only dog paddle.
That was the longest minute of savage dog paddling in history. I promise you that.
After Manny made his jump and swim to the beach, we all sat down next to the water and nobody said a word for a good five minutes.
"I gotta piss like a m***********"
Leave it to Wade to break a wonderful silence.
I dont actualy remember him walking into the little forest of trees next to the bridge. I do however, remember hearing him say "whoa s*** dude"
we all turned to see him walking backwards out of the trees. Facing him, with an action movie sized revolver in hand, was the dirtiest, most sucked-up, and crazy eyed mexican man that Ive ever seen. (And that's saying alot ,coming from someone that grew up in the grape vinnyards of Fresno County!)
In his right hand he held the gun. In his left hand a brown paper lunch bag.
Wade's backwards steps grew longer in reach, in order to get a little more distance between him and that gun.
Just then, almost as if he had known us for years, the Mexican man lowered the gun and smiled at us all.
Wade must have seen something in that smile that I didn't see.
He looked back at us, also wearing a s***-eating grin, looked back at our soon to be new friend, if only for a few hours, and said "Cranka?"
"Cranka?" I thought. "what the f***"
Just as quickly as the word escaped Wades lips, the Mexican lay the gun on the sand, patted his chest, and said "I Jose. You guys for buy Cranka?"
I sat there in a state of uber-confusion as he reached into the paper bag to produce a smaller plastic bag containing of a white chunky, powdery....something"
Im not sure on who ran back up to the car to get some cash...It had to be Manny though cause he always had major on him at school.
Jose pulled some paper from his back pocket (apperently to wrap the dope up in) as he explained in broken english how he's been living in the trees here next to the bridge for over a week now.
Manny and Andy took about half of what Jose sold them and gave it to Wade. "thats for you two. We are going to take ours to the car and snort it"
Im not sure were the foil came from but Wade had it in his hand somehow. He folded it into what he called "a boat" It looked kinda like a foil taco shell but not as tall on the sides. I was growing more and more eager with each passing second as i watched Wade dump the small amount of powder onto the foil. He sparked his Bic under the foil and I watched the powder melt into a puddle then back into solid form as it cooled...only now it was blanketing the inside of the boat.
With a rolled up dollar bill in his mouth, Wade melted it down again and inhaled the smoke as he rocked the foil back and forth. I have never seen anyone exhale such a cloud in my life. I wanted some now.
"you ever done this s*** Trevor? Cause if you havent, I dont wanna be the person to get you started"
I'll never forget how serious his eyes looked when he said that. It was the one and only time I had ever seen Wade give a s*** about anyone else.
"nah man, dont trip, I've snorted it like 4 or 5 times but I aint ever smoked it"
I was of course, full of s***.
"ok well if you get hooked from smoking this s*** I'll beat your ass" the sense that he gave a s*** was gone.
"here, hold the dollar in your mouth, Ill light it for you."
I breathed in slow and deep, untill I couldnt hold anymore smoke in my lungs
"dont hold it in like herb man it'll crystalize in your lungs"
f***. If I'da known then, that Id hear that exact quote, over and f****** over, for the next 9 years, I would've just punched him in the f****** mouth as a preemptive strike.
I didnt seem to be feeling the drug like the others were. We all sat on the beach with Jose for a few hours. I didnt say much, but the rest of them, even Jose with his F***** up excuse for english, talked and talked and f****** talked. I remember thinking to myself "why are they talking so god damned fast"
It was starting to hurt my head.
I asked Andy to drive me home. Instead we ended up at his house.
I went straight to the couch in his room and slept like a baby.