Here I go.... babbling again!

[Syd Valentine]

This blog is such a relief! I can babble as much as I need to and the people who want to hear what I have to say can and those who don't aren't forced to. Fabulous.

So here I go babbling again. And I am SOOOOO good at it.

Today I am babbling about my life. Recently I've gone through a lot....some MAJOR things have been happening.... AND in a short period of time. First, I decided "HEY! I'm going to take a chance at becoming a pinup model." That was a big one. Also, I decided to start writing again.... journaling, storytelling---WRITING.... you know, blah-de-blah (something I've ALWAYS enjoyed and have lost track of until now). This all came about from some unexpected inspiration and motivation which has been amazing and crazy and frightening. It worked though. It put me back into the "swing of things". I feel alive again. The alive feeling is, at the moment, a bit terrifying and heart-wrenching but amazing and enlightening all the same. I am confused and trying to be 'OK" with that. I am anxious and MAYBE a little depressed now that I am really coming to grips with the fact that...I THINK I may not have been REALLY living the last 8 or 9 years. WOW. Insane.
I am realizing that I might have thought I FELL when I didn't and now that I really AM falling or have fallen..whatevah...I am having an epiphany of sorts and my whole self is going "WTF???? What am I doing? What was I thinking back then? What am I thinking now? What am I GOING to do now?"
LET ME BE CLEAR, that the fault was NO ONE'S. It was inevitable. People are who they are and we react to them based on who WE are. It happened (the falling thing) and it's all good. Maybe it seems weird and unrealistic that it happened in such a short time but... it is what it is.

Babbling on....

I went to bed last night feeling pretty good... at ease, even. I slept more than I have been able to lately (except for the routine awakenings to feed and comfort the baby). I arose feeling relatively decent. Still tired but .... DECENT. Then I started getting on with life as I have known it for... the last 8 or 9 years and HOLY S***. OUCH. I felt for a second that I was back to the drawing board. Just when things were starting to come around for me... starting to make a bit of sense... and I was feeling happiness again ... all at once, it was going away! (This thinking is me being depressed and COMPLETELY freaked out as opposed to last night when I was ALMOST content, somewhat normal and stable about things.) So I talk to myself... (something I do often). I say "Get a grip, woman! Be strong. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your chin up! Things will work out the way they were meant to."

That's just it, see!

Yah, so..... I REALLY want to. I REALLY want to be able to let go and let life take its course. I want to be at peace with not knowing what's going to be until it IS. Like that song Doris Day sang in 1956... "Que sera, sera... Whatever will be, will be." Right? I know. I know. That's what I want. But it's easier said then done, I guess. Because, BOY AM I STRUGGLING today. I feel manic. I'm up, I'm down, I'm up, I'm down.... and when I'm down... damn, am I D.O.W.N.

(I'm laughing out loud to myself right this very second because it is all feeling so F*&$ing weird and overwhelming right now.)

I have been trying over the past couple of weeks to put myself in similar situations...... testing my NOW-HERE IN EVERYDAY REALITY against the sort of DREAMY, MOVIE-LIKE REALITY I have been experiencing lately. You know, asking the same questions and such.... desperately hoping for even CLOSE to the same answers or reactions. But I DON'T get the same. I try feeling the same feelings... but I don't. I tried again today and... nothing. It's not the same HERE anymore. I don't think it will EVER feel the same again here. It's been a LONG time coming but recent events have kind of hurried things along.
Will it ever be the same? That is EFFING scarey. Do I make myself ok with that? DO I go on with the rest of my life ignoring it just to make ends meet? What do I do???????

I felt that anxiety today.... that feeling of impending doom that I haven't felt since I started taking anxiety medication. That, half-heart attack, jittery, creepy feeling.and I wonder to myself.... "Is it BAD that I'm starting to feel this way again? Should I up my dose? OR... is it good that I'm feeling SOMETHING. Should I embrace it?" I DO NOT KNOW.

MORE babbling......

But at the same time all this crazy sadness is looming, I am SO HAPPY. I am happy about what I have experienced recently. I wouldn't change a thing and I STILL don't regret a thing. I know it's not completely over... that there COULD be light at the end of the tunnel. There's still hope in me. Just chipping away. And it's all part of that... the chipping. I am SO happy and grateful and excited about the chipping. I have high expectations and anticipation of the chipping. I am just not dealing very well with the time frame right now. My A.D.D is screaming.... "AAAAAAHHHHH. I can't wait... I can't wait..... I wanna know!!!!!" (Again, I'm laughing. What a MANIAC.) But that's not the way it works. "The future's not ours to see."

I want it to be right. EVERYTHING about it...and I am working at relaxing and letting the chipping continue... giving it as long as it takes, a few days or 10 more years...... I feel there's something meant to be and if I'm right it....WILL be, no matter the date.

SO...I have this gem that I'm holding inside, that no one can touch or take away. It's mine. I cherish it.
I just also have this little piece of me inside that is feeling empty now. I didn't even know it was there. I didn't know I even had this little piece that could FEEL SO empty (or full for that matter) but I do now.... and it's amazing to find a missing piece you didn't know you had! ;)

ANYwho, I think I've babbled long enough for today and I ALWAYS feel better after babbling and writing. Baby steps, day by day...just keep chipping away. Slowly but definitly SURELY. Life is too short to not.

[Poppy Fields]

We are on a similar journey, little lady. If you ever need to bounce some thoughts off a sympathetic ear, just message me. I have... Opinions. And I'm not afraid to use them ;D But seriously, I fully believe in sharing my experiences if it will help someone else. You know where to find me!

[Betty Red {PL Team / Madam}]

I am so proud of you, and am ALWAYS here for you....but you already knew that. I've known you for years...and I have to say...it's good to see the REAL Val coming back...I couldn't be prouder of you then I am now. I love you sista.