in case he hasnt heard me dying inside

[T'Arah Craig]

I was in the car and this song came on

a song that I haven't heard in I think 4 years

and the song, although unrecognizable to me

kept pushing in my head

I knew that I had heard it before

I just didn't know when

and then it hit me.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

do you remember that dance that we went to?

and we were slow dancing

my back to you

your hands carefully placed right below my belly button

my hands on yours.

the song that was playing was Collide- Howie Day

I can't believe I remember that

and I don't really remember at all









but I do..

like a faint memory as clear as day

like when I would make pochahantas baskets in my front lawn in Pittsburgh, CA when I was four.







I remember everything......


that was the first time I ever bought a dress for a dance

I also got a pedicure

manicure

new shoes

my hair done

not for you

but because I thought I needed to look perfect.

because I was a princess.

when I got to the dance

you were wearing a green long-sleeved button-up shirt

and black pants.

I only remember from pictures

because that's all I have now.

after dancing for 15min

you had to go to the bathroom

so I asked someone else to dance

and he said, 'no, because you allready have a date'

and I said, 'like he will care'

and he still said , 'no'

so I moved into the crowd

and danced by myself.

it took you 20min to find me

and then you held me close..........




and never kissed me.

you say you punched yourself in the face for that

but I don't think you did

because you didn't even ask for my number or anything after

I wasn't hurt

I was too drunk to be hurt.
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now for the truth.

because all I can remember is the truth.

remember when you held me tight

to the song?

I was asleep

totally and completely asleep

I don't even know how I stayed on my feet the whole entire time

but I was asleep

you know why?



well...

the whole day I had been feeling sick

and I mean the whole day

and I knew I could've stayed home and slept

but I didn't want to stand you up

because I liked you

I truly did like you.........

I liked when you put your arms around me outside that one time

and the little kid said, 'Are you in LOoOove??"

and you said, 'you know what? it could be'

and then we sat down and tried to count the freckles on me

because I didn't have any

and you did......

the day after the dance I was so sick I didn't leaved my bed for 4 days

so maybe you were smart to not have kissed me

and I'm sorry if you were just as sick as I was when you woke up the next day

because it truly was my fault......





I still have that dress you know,

the white one

with the butterflies

that came out at the skirt

and made me look like a princess

at least thats what I thought...





its in my closet

sometimes I put it on

and dance

not because I try to remember you

I mean of course you pop up in my mind from time to time

but I wear it because

it reminds me of being a princess.

you see,

the cinderella effect

kind of worked backwards for me

I was wonderful

I had the ball gown

I had the boy

I had the shoes

the beautiful white shoes

and then I lost the shoes

underneath a piano

and my ball gown turned back into a dress that I would never wear out again

and the boy I lost

because he was stupid

well not really

he wasn't stupid

I'm not mad at him

I just think that he could've been smarter

you, yes you, could've been smarter

did you hear me?

but I don't regret it

any of it

because I put myself into it

and I loved it

every minute of it

even when you wouldn't call

or talk to me until 1:00 in the morning

I still loved it

there is a line from a song

called stars

and it goes:

"and now he dances in the sunlight
with the blinds closed and the lights off
and now she knows names of songs
and she sings them everywhere she goes
and they both thought to themselves
'I guess now we know what love feels like'
and no matter where they go
no matter who they love
he will dance
and she will sing"

it kind of reminds me of you.

all of you

even when you sent me that message.

I didn't want to tell you about it

but when I got it

I was in the car

about to walk into an audition

and all of the breath in my body

was lost.....

I couldn't breathe

and you did that

without calling

or writing

or god forbid

thinking.

you did it

do you realize that?

I don't know if you do.





so without my breathe

sheet music in hand

I cried.

not a river

not an ocean

not even a stream



but one tear

just one

and I said

'all of everything I feel
right at this moment
goes into this tear
and I will never let another one out'

then I walked into the audition room

and I smiled

said my name

gave my sheet music

and

sang...

I sang my heart out

to you

I sang

"isn't it rich
are we a pair?
me here at last on the ground
you in mid air

send in the clowns

isn't it rich
don't you approve?
one who keeps tearing around
one who can't move

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns?"

and I almost cried

but I kept singing:

"just when I'd stopped opening doors
finally knowing the one that I wanted
was yours"

did you know that?

that I KNEW that the person I wanted was you?

"making my entrance again
with my usual flair
sure of my lines
no one is there"

and you were the only person that mattered to me

and you suddenly dissapeared.....

"isn't it rich?
isn't it queer?
losing my timing this late
in my career?"

I was so sure of myself

so sure that I understood everything

and everyone

and at that moment

in front of three men that I had never met before

I knew I didn't

"but where are the clowns
there ought to be clowns
well,
maybe next year"

maybe next year, eh.

but not for you

because I can never do that again

no matter how I stop and try to remember you

loving me

telling me how happy you were to be with me

and the I try to think of you telling that to me now

and I can't.

and it doesn't feel right.

like it used to



(but one day I really could change my mind)

so I'm sorry

that you aren't sorry.

I'm sorry that we were being so stupid.

I'm sorry that you really "did" love me

not still do

I'm sorry that I still love you

because once I say I love someone

It's like me making a promise to them

that no matter what happens

I will always care

and i'm sorry that you don't think that way

and I'm sorry that I do...................
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but what I'm not sorry for?

is for sitting down in my bed

every night

and looking at that dress.

and sometimes

when I've stripped off all of my clothes

and I lay in my too-hot room

in my too-hot bed

with the window up

and the fan on high

I put it on

because

once again

I'm four years old

running around

pretending I was Snow white

or Pochahantas

or just a princess I made up.

I'm also 11

receiving my first kiss

and finding that it was as natural as breathing.

and then i'm 12

dancing with one of the most amazing people I know

so happy

and so tired

but so drunk

that I didn't care.

and then i'm 14

singing a song

that I think the whole world hears

but only the people who feel exactly the same understand.







and then I'm naked

and alone

and hot

so I take another sheet off of my bed

and stare at the ceiling for a couple more hours

until I finally

fall asleep......

[Edson Carlos]

Those cant be the lyrics to just one song.... if so is it like 15m long?