The Man Who Made You Fade Away

[Jynxx Marie]

From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew that my life was in for a complete upheaval. There you were, silhouetted against the blazing background. Your curly, brown hair tousled by the wind, tamed only by the black ball cap you wore cocked to one side. Your black t-shirt clashed with your white and blue plaid shorts but not in an unpleasant way. You had a skate-board in one hand and a backpack in the other. You looked so out of place in that small town, but your presence felt so right. Time stood still when you smiled in my direction, and when you spoke for the first time, it was as though the song of all the angels in Heaven was coming from your mouth.



She was the luckiest girl in the whole town. How she had managed to catch your interest was far beyond me. You were both so different. She was stuck up and angry with the world, and you just floated through life with such ease. I watched jealously from afar as you held her hand and kissed her cheek. When you danced with her on prom night, I selfishly longed to be in her place. As the summer progressed, you began visiting me while she worked. You would show up at my house at the most ungodly hours. I didn't mind. We'd sit together for hours on end, and it took every ounce of self-control not to reach over and grab your hand.


Our friendship flourished. You became my confidante. I trusted you with my deepest secrets---things I had never told another living being before. We knew each other inside and out. Anyone who saw us together knew there was something magical taking place. The only people who were oblivious to it were you and I. Even 'She' was starting to take notice of our deep connection. She grew bitter and withdrawn. In turn, this caused you to spend more time with me. And then it happened...


A day like any other. We sat together on my couch with enough space between us to alleviate any suspicions. A commercial came on the television, and we began talking. Somehow or another, the talking lead to horseplay. You always were a weakling! Then you kissed me. Out of nowhere. Time screeched to a stand-still. I had never felt anything quite like that. It was like my body had exploded in a flurry of emotions I had never experienced before. It was magical. Something out of a fairytale. We pulled away a few moments later in shame, both knowing that we had betrayed someone we cared about. The guilt, however, was short-lived, as you pulled me into your arms once more.


For almost a month, you and I continued to fool around behind her back, but everyday, I felt less sorry for our trysts because I could see how truly unhappy you were, being with her. The only reason you stayed with her was to be with me. That's when I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wanted you for myself, and I was going to have you, one way or another. The night of my decision, I pulled 'Her' aside when she came to retrieve you from my house, and I put my plan into motion. After several long hours of convincing her that you two were not meant for each other, it was settled. You would break up. It was a long drive back to your house, but I held your hand the whole time. Though comforted by the warmth of your touch, I was afraid that I had made a mistake and that we would never see one another again. I was wrong.


You called me a few days later, and came to see me. We were finally able to be more open about our blossoming relationship, yet we still kept it somewhat secretive because I wasn't ready to openly betray my best friend. That all changed when she walked in on us. I have never seen anyone look quite as hurt as she did that fateful day, but I remained convinced that I was doing the right thing. We were too perfect together for it to not be. My friendship with her ended shortly thereafter, and there are days I still miss her, but I don't regret what I gave up for one second.


Our relationship deepened and became more passionate. I still remember the day I fell in love with you. You were away on a trip to the coast, and you called me from the beach. It was 5 am. I wasn't angry that you had woken me from an incredible dream. I was just happy to hear your voice. As I began relaying the week's events to you, you interrupted me and told me to listen. As though from far away, I heard you say “Can you hear it?” , and as I listened more closely, I heard the crash of the waves from the ocean. You put the phone back to your ear and said “I know you've always dreamed of standing in the sea, and one day you will, but for now, I am bringing you as close to it as I possibly can.” That was it for me. I knew that from that moment on, I wanted to be with you forever. Before you hung up, you told me you loved me and that you would see me soon. When you returned from your trip, I was so excited to see you. It felt so wonderful to hold you in my arms and tell you I loved you in person.


As the months passed, you were getting ready to leave for another city. College was calling. You asked me to come with you. I did. Without question, I packed what little belongings I would need and left with you on a new adventure. For awhile, everything was perfect, just as it always had been. We were happily in love and blissfully unaware of the world around us. However,that all changed as suddenly as it had occurred. Money became a pressing issue, and the stress of being in new surroundings got to us. You started cheating. To this day, I don't know what it is I did to push you to that extreme; nevertheless, it hurt me to the core, and I blamed myself. I forgave you after the first few incidents, but after awhile, it became more and more difficult to ignore. I thought I loved you enough to move past it all; alas, I wasn't strong enough.


We fought to keep our relationship afloat for several more months, but by the end of it we were both too worn out to continue down that road. When it ended, in the spring of that year, it felt as though my whole world was torn apart. I could function only minimally, and I began a downward spiral into a deep-set depression from which I would not emerge for almost a year. I begged you to come back, despite everything. I promised to fix everything, but you were set in your decision. After a month of trying, I gave up and went home. I took the few belongings I had arrived with and left the city.


For the longest time, I blamed myself for everything. I allowed you to play the victim. It took me several excruciatingly long months to finally realize that I was not at fault---at least not entirely, but no matter how much I told myself that the end was for the best, I couldn't fall out of love with you. Nothing I did was distraction enough from the pain of losing you. To this day, I still believe that what we had was flawless, but as the saying goes, nothing is perfect, so it was foretold from the beginning that we would not last forever. That being said, it was still no comfort to me. I was so afraid that, after experiencing the whirlwind of emotions I felt with you, I would never learn to love again. The thought of ever trusting my heart to someone else was completely out of the question.


I dated off and on but no one was able to keep my interests for long, and my thoughts drifted back to you. I still talked to you on a regular basis, and you continually told me how much you missed me. You never failed to express your love for me, but each time you said it, it was like a hot knife being run through my body. I couldn't handle it. You came to visit me in the summer of that year, and I planned on saying my good-byes. I had a whole speech ready for when the time came to part ways again. That fell through though because the moment I laid eyes on you, it was like seeing you for the first time all over again, and the rush of emotions that accompanied that moment was so intense it almost knocked me off my feet. I fell in love with you over and over again for the entire duration of your visit, and sending you home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Watching you walk away from me, and just letting it happen was so difficult. All I could do was cry, when what I really wanted was to run after you, to pull you into my arms and refuse to let you go. That was the last time I ever saw you.


As time passed, it got a little easier to handle. I began going out more, and I found myself almost enjoying the time I spent with other people---all with little thought of you. It was refreshing, to say the least. And then I met 'him'. He came out of nowhere and when I had least expected it. He was this beacon of light that quickly cleared away the cloud of despair I had found my self weighed down by for so long. My heart sang when I saw him. He was you---but better. Though I am slower in allowing my emotions to take over this time, I can honestly say that I am happy again. Happy without you---something I thought to be impossible until the fateful day when he happened into my life.


I still think about you often, and I wonder if you're alright. There are still days when I miss you terribly, but instead of wallowing in the grief I faced for so long after you, I simply look beside me and take the hand of the man who made it all better. The man who made you fade away...