S***, or Get Off the Pot.

[Poppy Fields]

I am creatively constipated.
.
Let's start that over. I can see this metaphor going to very dark, inappropriate - tee hee hee – places.
I am creatively... backed up? Blocked? Impacted?
Hmm, not enough fibre... should eat a pencil or two...
Wait, wait, wait, starting over, right? Right. Okay.

::ahem::

I haven't done much creative in a long time. In the past 2 years there have been exactly 3 instances of such. I have my reasons and lo, they are goodly reasons, but it's time to schlep myself out of that particular wallow.

I call myself an artist because that's just what I am. It's all I've ever known and all I've ever wanted. It's in my DNA. And yet, I've been careless and lax with my passion and talent. I've examined myself under a dispassionate microscope to better understand what it is about being creative that makes me happy and discovered it's the making. The thinking and the doing.

How unfaithful, and wasteful I have been.
This unhappiness and dissatisfaction is my only creation, and it is not good.

To dissect this problem further into manageable parts:

1. I am in love with collecting and information and collecting information
I suffer from intellectual avarice. Oh lord, just writing that down makes me feel dirty. I was going to break this down further, but just, putting it like that is like holding a greasy mirror up to my face. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
And behind the Avarice stands Fear.

2. I have too many interests and don't want to miss out on anything
Rather than "doing something", which might cause me to "miss out" on something else, I do... nothing. Metaphysical sloth?? Wikipedia says "yes": "...failure to utilize one's talents and gifts." This is going downhill very fast... Okay.
So, behind the Sloth stands Fear.

3. I am easily discouraged; easily bored; easily intimidated and to keep with the unexpectedly evolving theme, I suppose this could be a lesser form of pride. Afraid of not being able to live up to my own standards, afraid of not being as good as others, afraid of losing interest in yet another venture... And wouldn't you know it:
Behind the Pride stands Fear.

[WOW. This is interesting. I'm at Level 4 and definitely, strong 6 Wing. And, wouldn't you know it: "The head types (5, 6, and 7) are also the fear types, and their personality style is shaped by their relationship to fear." Turns out, I’m normal! Take the test yourself for a fun diversion.]

Well, the whole being dominated by fear thing isn't exactly a news flash. I have my goodly reasons for this, too, and I am actively working on rewiring myself so that I can function at a level somewhere above "complete paralysis of spirit", but writing it down... I didn't realise just how... overwrought I am.
And it’s not going to go away by itself.
Sitting around doing nothing isn’t getting me any closer to being the artist I desire to be either. So I’ve devised an action plan; something very different to my usual mode of problem solving. Rather than attack this with logic - which has worked so well in the past – I am going to conquer through action.

Every day, I am going to draw. Something. Mostly female figures, as that is what interests me and the area I want to be proficient in, but if not, then something:

Something old I have plenty of partially completed projects littering up the house; stashed away in piles of papers; “filed” in drawers and boxes. Some of them are definitely worth revisiting and maybe even completing. Maybe I’ll convert some of my old stuff into digital format.

Something new Of course I want the bulk of what I do to be new work. There are several pieces I want to do for friends and I want to discover my style, so I’ll have to keep trying new things to see what fits. What feels right. I strongly suspect I’m not working in the right medium for who I am now or what I’m trying to achieve. I used to do very tight, highly detailed work using drafting pens and #000 paint brushes, but I’ve been moving towards simpler, looser lines. We’ll see.

Something borrowed A large part of what discourages me is that I have no formal training or experience in figure drawing, so I can’t draw from inside my head. All my (beautiful, precious, vintage) reference books are half a world away, so I can’t draw from outside my head either! I sit, frustrated, for hours trying to make body parts work, erasing until the paper can’t take anymore and eventually just give up in disgust. There is no shame in copying from other artists as a method of learning (not earning!) and this method of developing skills was practiced by the great masters of classical art. So if I like it, I’m going to copy it.

Something blue As in a blue drafting pencil :) I don’t own one yet and really should invest in one if I’m going to be scanning; it will save me hours of eye-straining cleanup. The idea here is that a sketch, even an incomplete one, qualifies for the process. If all I draw are mouths, they qualify. It’s about practice and getting the stuff out.

Aaaah, fuckit. Because there will be days when I just don’t feel like drawing. Luckily, I have many unfinished sewing and embroidery projects and 3,000 recipes I’ve been meaning to try, so there will always be something to do. These things satisfy my need to make and keep the creative process moving.

I acknowledge the fear, but I’m going to focus on the process.
I’m going to have to let go of a lot of things, particularly my collecting and stressing over all the things I’ll never do. I am filled with grief at the mere thought of this relinquishing. That right there is a sign that things need to change. Right quick like.
I’ve set up a simple online portfolio as a definitive record of my accountability to myself. It’s going to be a pain in the ass to scan every day, but I can’t allow myself even the tiniest crack to slip through. I’m wily like that. Please feel free to follow along and bust my ass if I start to slippy-slide! :)
Some days are busier than others, so this means that there might be days when *gasp - the horror* I don’t get to play on PL. I don’t know if I can live like that, but I must be brave!

I guess all that’s left is to strap in.

[Poppy Fields]

Raven: I double-dog dare ya ;) Scratch around and see what floats to the surface. I'm a believer in sharing, because you never know who might find what helpful. Nothing to lose, right?

My "roots" are in blogging, and while I was always more of the "look at this link" type, I did occasionally delve into the dark recesses of my tortured soul... tee hee hee! I've realised that writing is part of the "'Something' Process" - it makes me happy in the same kind of way. I'll probably do a post on that pretty soon!

Wink: And that's a major part of the problem!! We all look at the next guy and think they're so much more "X" than us and let that stop us from even trying. Mea culpa, mea culpa, MEA CULPA. Ennui is a good friend of mine, but I'm making efforts to break up ;)

I don't know if there's a Dr. Sketchy's in Calgary, but will look into it. Do I need to double-dog dare ya, too? Thanks to recent connections made through the wonder of PL, it looks like I'll have an excuse to pick up the sewing again! See, that's what you and other people here have done for me! ::insert snide remark about the circle of life, or something ;) ::

[Wink Holliday]

Poppy, you and I are so similar in so many ways, but I have thought of you as being so much more Talented and Productive than myself. To hear that you, and Filmmonkey, and others as well, also suffer from... well for me, a sort of creative ennui, gives me hope that I will get past this hump of procrastination and perhaps get my art on again. (My ADD means that I will ALWAYS have a series of unfinished projects, and that they will be haphazardly organized.)
I loved figure drawing, but haven't done it in (cough) years. I'm too much of an introvert to go to a Dr. Sketchy's class (is there a branch in Calgary?), or to the classes occasionally held at the local Big Art Supply Store, but I should at least get back on the horse with my sewing- and glueing-type crafts. I have a half-yard of lusciously beautiful red Zodiac that I should cut into this weekend, and ideas jotted down for a picnic-themed outfit (um, not using the Zodiac, of course).

[Raven Foxx]

the other one is Filmmonkey...and I see he's found you too!

[Raven Foxx]

Girl! You are one of the only other people on here that blogs about her soul searching. I love it! I love that you don't dumb down your ravings. I love that you tackle your subject manner in an honest way. And I love that you can chuckle at your progress. I think I'll take that little test...gulp...and see what's dying to come out!

[Poppy Fields]

sf - maybe you're an ass, but you're an ass who know what he's doing! Yes?

[Poppy Fields]

sfphoto: Strangely (considering I don't _know)_ you, I am not surprised. That's a great combination of traits for the line of work you're in. I imagine models must feel very comfortable with you; that your knowledge and expertise must be clearly evident.

Crowshop: An 18-packer. And rash cream ;D

Filmmonkey: Thank you for adding your experience. I think it's especially important for "creative types" to know they're not the only "failures" our there! I haven't heard of "War of Art" - going to check it out. "Ashamed" is a feeling I am very well-accustomed to. I don't think I could ever take on a long-term project like writing a screenplay, at least not without a LOT of therapy and training in focus and stick-to-it-iveness! I have the Loomis books and I use them especially for facial features. I used to work from "Gray's Anatomy" - building from the ground up :D

[Filmmonkey]

Awesome, awesome, awesome post. I recently came out of a multi-month bout of creative constipation myself. I can relate to so many things in your post.
A friend suggested a book called the "War of Art" and it deals with this exact thing. I still haven't ordered it yet, but will probably do so this week.
It got to the point of being ashamed with myself for having done so little and feeling this pressure to get something done. One of the things with me is I write feature length screenplays and it takes so long to complete the entire process. It can easily be a year since I've yet to sell one and am trying to get my production business running.
I finally got to the point of saying "F-it" and just started hammering some stuff out. I think I'm past the really, really stuck phase now. It took a moment of elightenment at a writers group meeting this past weekend. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And it's not your lack of training that keeps you from drawing from your head, even the most well trained masters use models or pictures. It's just part of the process.
I was recently reading an illustration website and the guy said if you do nothing else as far as art instruction get Loomis' book, read it and follow it, and draw from it.

[C/S]

Make sure you have plenty of Toilet Paper ..c