Revelations

[Raven Foxx]

I've been a part of Pin-up Lifestyle for about 3 or 4 months and within that time I've met some awesome people and made some friends that I think are truly going to be lasting relationships. I've sampled some beautiful photographs, added my opinion to all kinds of matters and have strived to be "a star."

For a short while I thought about modeling. I tried to see if this or that company would want to use me as a model. I have been trying to change my look and body to suit the requirements that I think I should have. I wouldn't have even thought about it if someone hadn't made an offer about wanting me to model some clothes for their company. I told myself that it didn't matter one way or the other, but really it did. Never in my life has anyone asked me to do something like that. It was exciting and it felt like a fairytale dream. But, fairytales don't exist and there was a voice in the back of my head that said, "This isn't going to happen. Wake up and just be thankful that someone thought enough about your pictures to even ask you." So I went about my life like I always do.

A couple months have gone by and I still haven't heard anything but I had a photoshoot lined up with this kick-ass photographer that was really stressing me out. Nothing on the photographer, it was all me. What am I going to "do?" What kind of pictures should I take? What should I wear? What about make up and hair and the right props? Ugh, what a headache I gave everyone around me. See, I was still thinking about trying my hand at modeling and I really believe that this photographer could make me look like a star. So we had fianlly settled on a fashion shot, a head shot and a fun shot to show off my versatility. I thought this is what I need. This is going to help me get those gigs that I want to do. It was becoming quite the production. I was really excited to be doing this and then little by little this fairytale started to unravel also.

Upon entering the chatroom to discuss the upcoming shoot, I was given some advice from one of the gals on here regarding my pictures. She meant well. Nothing she said was in malice, but rather she honestly thought she was helping. She said to take a look at my pictures from the nurse era and now. She said I looked about 15 years older between the two pictures. She said that was due to my makeup and thin eyebrows. I had assumed that I looked different because I had lost 18 lbs and my face wasn't as full.
She said take EFA's, drink tons of water, get some new makeup and fill in my eyebrows with an eyebrow form. She even was going to take time out of her day to come to my shoot and help me with make up. All very sweet and thoughtful observations and gestures.

What she couldn't have known was that 15 years older on me would make me 49. I'm going to assume that she thought I was in my 20's. (smile) She couldn't have known that I battled with low self-esteem for most of my life and that my brain would run with the helpful tips and I would pick myself apart. Coupled with the fact that it looks like the modeling gig probably isnt going to work out and my professional modeling shoot had to be canceled, I was a mess.

Ok, a "mess" really doesn't cover it. I was devastated. We live on a budget that barely gets us from one paycheck to the other. When emergencies come up, we feel it. I had been saving that money for months to do this photoshoot and was seriously upset at my husband for taking that money without asking and paying bills with it. Excuse me!? I was upset that my husband was being responsible? What is wrong with me! I take something (that is suppose to be a hobby) and then get bent out of shape when I can't go play? Especially when what he did, helped free up funds for us, that is going to make life a bit easier. It was then that I had to take a look at where my values were going.

I'm a 34 year old (in two weeks) mother of a preteen. I am a wife. My husband has an autoimmune disease that he's on treatments for every three weeks. I have been overweight for the last 10 years and I have been doing a damn good job of getting the weight off and toning it all up. I am not a model. I am a person who likes to dress up and play make believe as often as I can. If people happen to like what I post, great. If not, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm not looking to make money on my (chuckles) perfect abs, fresh face, round tush or come hither look. I just want to go back to thinking that having my picture taken is fun and thinking up different types of scenes and fantasies is a turn for both me and my husband.

If I ever get to have that professional photoshoot, you better believe that it's going to be for pure enjoyment and that's it. In the meantime, I have a friend that is learning how to take all kinds of pictures and we have a blast when we get together. My life is simple and I laugh alot. I try to get outdoors as much as possible and cultivate the friendships that I have. So long as I don't take myself too seriously again, I will keep having pictures done. And with my imagination there are no boundaries...

[Filmmonkey]

I really admire your honesty and openness in your postings.
First of all, the thing with getting upset about the money, we all catch ourselves doing things that we hope aren't caught on tape. We really never stop figuring out how to get through life. It's all just one long series of trying to do the best we can. Sometimes we do well, and sometimes not so much.
As far as the modeling goes, yeah, it's not realistic to shoot for becoming a full time supermodel, however it's very reasonable to do a few photoshoots a year. You'll start out doing tfp work and then trade for clothing or jewelry and then maybe a few paid jobs.
You've got a great look and you've got some great pictures. The great thing about pinup modeling is that it celebrates real woman with real figures. It's such a different look than fashion modeling. There is also no real age limit. You've certainly got a few good years ahead of you.
Really take advantage of that photographer friend. My wife is very camera-phobic and I would kill to have someone I could just call up and say "hey let's go shoot for an hour". yeah, I can certainly shoot landscapes, but it just doesn't do it for me.
I'm looking forward to see a lot of great pictures from you in the future. Practice your posing in a mirror, hit the library and get some Elvgren books and copy the poses. Your nerves will calm down with time and practice. And just rock it. As long as you don't lose yourself, it's a great hobby/part time job.
Truth be known, reality is what it is, and I'll probably never become the great filmmaker that I dream of becoming. But I'm damn sure not going to give up. It's such a strong draw in me. I've actually tried to give up the idea, but I just can't. It's a part of me at this point, it's totally my creative focus even though it's damn near impossible to make happen.
So let's just both hang in there and dream big. Because why the hell would anyone dream small?

[Poppy Fields]

I don't ever do this - EVER - but: *hugs* and "I know". I am starting to see the signs of just-plain-life and the other battles I've fought written all over me and am having to accept and adjust to what this means. Be petulant about opportunities lost, or revel in this new stage of being? I don't know just yet...

I think the picture of you leaning backwards over the trunk is fabulous! The hair suits you wonderfully and the angle messes with visual perception so you look life a whole different you. Maybe work on unusual poses to find what suits *you*?