A Diet Rich in Irony

[Poppy Fields]

This is something of a thinking-out-loud post. I appreciate any helpful input!

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As anyone who has seen my forum activity could tell you, I love food. I love it!
I love it in ways that are unnatural and maybe even illegal in 23 states.
It's got nothing to do with gluttony or deep-seated emotional issues because mommy didn't let me suck on her tit or anything interesting like that. I just enjoy the flavours and textures and myriad combinations thereof.
I am most definitely a sensualist.
It has been a lifelong dream (of mine and The Man's) to run a restaurant of some kind and it is only my abundance of common sense and lack of funds that has kept me from doing so.
I've been collecting recipe books since I was given my first one for my 4th birthday. That collection is far, far away, but my electronic collection numbers in the thousands.
New ideas in food get me excited, but nothing excites me more than the dessert side of things, especially baking.

If I love food in general, then my devotion to baking quite possibly borders on manic obsession of the bunny-boiling variety.

Baking is the perfect combination of Art and Mathematics. It just so happens I am a fan of both, so a combination of the two is my idea of absolute bliss.
When I bake, I am at peace.
There is nothing else.
I am fully present; in the moment; living for now.
Baking got me through the Year That Never Was. It quieted the voices and calmed the savage beast that had taken up residence in my skull.

When The Man was diagnosed with celiac disease in April 2005, I went gluten free as well. I did it as an act of solidarity, because I couldn't imagine it being any more difficult than trying to run a dual kitchen and because the massive amounts of research I did into the disease led me to believe that it was a very likely explanation for my lifetime of suffering with multiple illnesses. Besides which, I just felt better when I stopped eating wheat.

Of course I had to learn a whole new way of baking.
Gluten just happens to be an essential part - to greater and lesser extents - of the chemistry of baking. Flaky pastry? Croissants? Phyllo? All thanks to gluten.
But it was a challenge I took on happily and to amazing success!
I make damn good GF food, ain't no lie. Some of it is even better than the regular variety (my choux pastry is killah. KILLAH.)
My GF baking is good enough that I was recruited by two different restaurants (until they both went tits up. Common sense: I has it) and I am confident that if I actually got my lazy ass into gear and tried croissants, they would be excellent as well.

But now.
Oh, now.

The Man has been very, very ill since February. He has now lost 50lbs due to various reasons and was, until very recently, teetering on the edge of a breakdown.
Our doctor is convinced it's just food allergies/intolerances/sensitivities.
The Man is receiving various treatments and therapies to address his multiple issues and part of this has included a broad spectrum allergy test. This is a blood test that we had to send down USA-way and it test for antibodies. Basically, it's supposed to pick up any reaction you've ever had to any of the 96 foods they test for at any time in your life; it's that sensitive. Then you get graded on how severe your reaction is, "1" being "low" and "6" being "anaphylaxis".

The Man?
He is made of FAIL.
He is SUPER FAIL on dairy (ALL dairy) and SUPER FAIL on eggs. Borderline anaphylactic.
MUCH FAIL on peanuts and asparagus (asparagus??? WTF??? WHO is allergic to ASPARAGUS???)
FAIL on banana, pineapple, cranberry and baker's yeast. He even showed a 1 and 2 reaction to soy and garlic.
That's what the doctor rattled off to me before he left for vacation (Have fun! Thanks for all your help!) We'll know the true extent of the horror when we get the full results back.

We are in a state of shock.
What does he eat now?
Have you ever looked at the labels on any packaged food? You'll be hard-pressed to find anything that doesn't contain one or more of wheat, dairy, egg or soy, not to mention all the "may have come into contact with x" and "processed in a facility that also processes x".
We already drink potato and almond milk (although they are ridiculously high in sodium!), but yoghurt? Cheese? There just is no substitute.
Simply saying "meat and vegetables" is easier said than done. He doesn't necessarily want to die from a heart attack and steak and potatoes for breakfast is something of a logistic PitA. Our choices for edible greenery at the store can be summed up as: apples, bananas (NO BANANAS!!), onions, green potatoes (always green), carrots. Occasional forays into the realms of berries and tropicals occur randomly and with varying degrees of rot and damage.
This is not to mention the nutritional value - or lack thereof - of these foods. Unless you're growing them yourself, a lot of it is just fibre.

This is probably the end of restaurant food for us, too.
If you ever want to truly understand social isolation, tell people you can't eat with them. Tell them their food will make you sick or that you can't eat at a particular restaurant because their menu and cooking methods are unsafe for you. See how quickly you stop being invited to functions. See how angry your friends and family become because you won't try "just a little bit" of the cookies that will have you liquid at both ends for hours and sick for days after. See how much fun it is to travel.
No, you can't bring your own food on the 35-hour flight. You can eat after security. But I can't eat the selection of deep-fried, breaded, sandwich-family things the food-court stocks, and I can't eat the airline meal ("cookies, or pretzels?"). Do you want to know about my 12-hour layover in Frankfurt airport, 8 of which were spent in their disgusting, single-stall bathrooms, from eating an apple in my breakfast meal?
The Man travels a lot for his work, often to Middle-of-Nowhere-Shitsville-Central. If he's lucky, they have a Wendy's and if he's very lucky, they understand that "NO BUN" means "NO BUN". He gets sick often, but that's how it is (actually, that's what started this whole new fresh hell). But Wendy's is out now. MoNSC hotels don't generally have microwaves and fridges. He's managed to cajole the hotel staff into letting him use the staff appliances on a few occasions, but there's always a risk of cross-contamination there too.
He is seriously concerned that he might lose his job.

I spent last night looking at vegan, dairy-free, egg-free cookbooks on Amazon and surfing allergy blogs to get some ideas.
A lot of them are just plain DUMB. Did you know you can make spaghetti sauce without dairy and eggs??? Uhhhm, I wasn't aware of any other way to make it...
Vegans tend to sub a lot of soy and tofu. Scratch that.
Dairy and egg-free rely on whole grains for nutrition. Scratch that.
Banana is used for moisture and body. Scratch that.
Nuts. Nuts are widely used for nutrition, texture and flavour. And coconut milk is a goodish sub for cream. Oh, and avocado!
Well, he can eat nuts and as far as I know for now, coconut too. he doesn't like avo, but blended into something will be fine.
Sooooo, coconut milk is high in fat, but if there's no dairy or eggs I guess that evens out a little. Avos are hard to come by and they're hard and crap, but occasionally there's a good batch... but nuts. F*** they're expensive! And they have to be ground. Okay, a good food processor is $600-$700. And a sturdy ice cream machine is $300. And a good blender is $400. And we'll need somewhere to store them all...
I repeat: f***.

As much as this sucks for him, it is devastating to me, personally.
My baking...
How do I bake without dairy and eggs (and banana and soy)? And bread, without wheat, dairy, eggs, AND yeast? Is it even "bread" anymore at that point?
This is like losing a part of my soul. No, not "like". This is having a part of me excised. Amputated.
I did the "no wheat" easily.
This? I've been on the verge of tears all day and just typing this sentence makes my eyes well up.
In addition, this latest revelation once-and-for-all puts the final nail in the coffin on our dream of owning a restaurant. Our most recent being a wood fire pizza place in the mountains of BC...

He doesn't expect me to embrace these changes with him and I fully admit that I don't know if I can.
A life without cheese?
Perish the thought. While at the same time, I know from my own testing that I am severely intolerant to dairy and should not be eating it at all, I'm just not acknowledging the effects it has on me (I can deal with sinus issues and occasional cramping). But how do I eat a gooey, delicious pizza in front of him? We are both painfully aware of what it's like to have to watch while someone eats your favourite thing that you can no longer have, especially in the beginning. My cramps will be from guilt.
You know, before we went GF, our favourite pizza was from a place called Coco Brooks. It's a small, local company with a wide selection of flavours and the best pizza sauce. We were really sad to say goodbye. Then, 3 weeks ago we heard that they are now doing gluten free! OMGOMGOMGOMG!!! And it is sooooo goooood! Their base doesn't crumble and they're not shy with the toppings and the sauce is as good as ever. It's been heaven!
I'll be finishing what's in the freezer by myself.
Alone.
And chocolate?
It literally keeps me sane. Read the ingredients, I dare ya. Oh, but you can eat the organic pure chocolate... STFU. It tastes like s***, the texture is like chewing a mouthful of sand and it's $7 for a 100g bar. F*** you. (If anyone actually knows of pure chocolate that doesn't have these characteristics, please let me know. Not that I'll be able to find it here, but I enjoy being frustrated by how isolated and deprived we are. It's good for my blood pressure.)

It's been a rough, ROUGH 5 months and it's not over yet.
We finally have some possible answers, but now to implement them.
I've got "Vice Cream" and "The Vegan Scoop" in my Amazon shopping cart. "Vegan Cupcake Take Over the World" is already in my collection.
I'm smart and capable and it's probably not as terrible as it seems right at this very minute, but for now, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and scared.

Any advice on substitutions - I know this place is filthy with vegetarians ;D - will be most welcome. References to reliable recipe books that aren't filled with DUMB will be embraced with glee. And if you know of an honest-to-goodness cheese substitute (remember: no soy) I will probably definitely hump your leg.
And if you've read this far and you just want to join my pity party, that's okay too.
I'll bake something extra poisonous.

[heykelley]

:( Just seeing you two talk about this for the past few months has been horrible. I can't imagine actually being in the midst of it. I thought it was bad when I was flushing away the candida and was relegated to eating basically chicken & rice for a few months.

I'll tell you one thing, though. You guys can get through this. I know you can. And by the end of this long, hellacious road, you two will be even bigger heroes in my book. I wish I knew more about vegan baking. It's something I've been wanting to experiment with next, now that I'm pretty comfortable with the GF stuff, but I haven't tried yet. :(

creepy internet hugs for you both.
-Kel

[WhoaMama!]

I'm just here to join your pity party. I too L-O-V-E baking and can't imagine how hard that must be.
Also, my most wonderful Grandmother passed away earlier this year and she was an avid collector of cookbooks especially special diet ones. Everyone has gone through her books and picked favs but there are TONS left. Next time I look through them I will check for any meeting your needs. Can't promise I'll find any or that they won't be dumb but I'll do my best!

[Hell In A Handbag]

My link didn't come up... http://www.etsy.com/search_results.php?search_type=all&search_query=gluten+free+organic+chocolate&order=date_desc&ship_to=

anything?

[Hell In A Handbag]

Good Lord. I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. I think I'd o.d. on cheese to spite my tummy. You're a good woman, and he must be somethin' spesh. Hang in there.
anything???